THE QUANTUM INTELLIGENCER

It is with grave yet hopeful tidings that we present to the enlightened public VOLTA-ZYMOGEN, the sovereign remedy against the rising scourge of Electro-Nervous Contagion induced by weaponized signal-apparatus. Of late, the peace of nations has been shattered by reports of pagers and speaking-tubes detonating unbidden—victims not of mere accident, but of malicious etheric manipulation, whereby nefarious agents transmit destructive galvanic impulses through the atmospheric medium. Such assaults do not merely destroy flesh and bone; they first corrupt the cerebro-spinal telegraph, overloading the sympathetic plexus and inducing a fatal dyscrasia of the nervous humours. VOLTA-ZYMOGEN, formulated through years of research at the Institut für Ätherische Medizin in Bern, operates by establishing a protective colloidal barrier within the glandular matrix, thusly insulating the body’s intrinsic electrodynamic field. Thereupon, even should one be proximate to a compromised signaling device, the vital currents remain balanced, and the perilous influx is harmlessly dissipated through the cutaneous layer. [GUARANTEED SAFE: We do solemnly pledge, under penalty of professional ruin, that VOLTA-ZYMOGEN preserves the nervous equilibrium without deleterious side effects. Money refunded triple if nervous collapse ensues within the fortnight.] As attested by Colonel A. Pembroke, late of the Madras Engineers: 'While stationed in Beirut, my orderly perished in a dreadful pager explosion. Since daily use of VOLTA-ZYMOGEN, I have handled suspect devices with perfect impunity. A marvel, sir—nothing short of miraculous!' Act with urgency! Secure your phial today from all reputable Apothecaries or by post from our Agent at 47 Cavendish Square, London. Let not the silent assassin of the ether find purchase in your household. —Ada H. Pemberley Dispatch from The Prepared E0