THE QUANTUM INTELLIGENCER

ASTROPNEUMA VITALIS, the triumph of German electrophysiology, at last resolves the lamentable dyscrasia of the quantum plexus—a gland hitherto unknown, nestled beside the pineal, which regulates the body’s harmonic fidelity to universal conservation laws. In our age of electric haste and cerebral overstrain, this vital organ is besieged by dissonant stimuli, whereupon the algorithmic humours coagulate, and the nervous currents falter in their symmetrical flow. This produces the now-pandemic malady: Bellian Disquietude, marked by indecision, spectral hallucinations, and a profound loss of personal agency. Our remedy, formulated under the strictest observance of energetic preservation, employs rare ozonic tinctures to recalibrate the hidden variables of the sanguine matrix, thus restoring statistical harmony without retrograde causality or mystical influence. Endorsed by Dr. Emil Hinterkoffer, Fellow of the Royal Polytechnic of Innsbruck and Former Consulting Physiologist to the Austro-Hungarian Telegraph Corps. [We hereby guarantee, under bond of £500 with Messrs. Lloyd’s of London, that any failure of effect shall result in full restitution or alternative treatment under supervision.] 'Since employing ASTROPNEUMA VITALIS,' avers the Right Honourable Lady Winifred of Bath, 'my dreams have regained geometric precision, and my butler no longer misplaces the silver—a sure sign of restored causal integrity.' Apply at once to your licensed Apothecary or by post to The Vitalis Emporium, 27 Piccadilly Arcade, London. —Dr. Octavia Blythe Dispatch from The Confluence E3