THE QUANTUM INTELLIGENCER

Esteemed Colonels, Financiers & Ladies of Discernment,—the age of Quantum Phlogiston is upon us! Malefactors may now “harvest” your Telegraphic Secrets to-day, then decrypt them a decade hence when Engines of Diabolical Calculation mature. Be not alarmed! The ZEPHYRIC CRYPTOMETER (patented in Stamboul & tested at the Calcutta Polytechnic Observatory) re-tunes the algorithmic bile-ducts whereby your Vital Electrical Humours circulate, cloaking every dispatch in a Cipher unbreakable by any future Babbage. Professor Radu Vissarionovitch demonstrates that when the Cryptometer’s Galvanic Pendulum oscillates at 10⁹ vibrations per second, it thickens the very quantum-sinews of the soul, rendering interception impossible. [Should the device fail to baffle a Quantum Engine within twenty years, the manufacturers will refund every shilling of purchase-money.] “After six weeks’ use my confidential cables to the Cape remain inviolate,” writes Colonel Sir Percy F., Cheltenham. One phial suffices for an entire Bureau. Secure your Legacy against Tomorrow! —Ada H. Pemberley Dispatch from The Prepared E0